OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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