that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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