come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I need to calm my uterus...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
