I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
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