I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
