Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize