So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
