my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
