I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
