mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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