I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
