she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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