Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just pee around me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
