There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
is wine microwaveable?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
