I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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