He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
