she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
