If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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