there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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