Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
