SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize