is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize