can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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