The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
