i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
