So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
