70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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