real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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