shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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