I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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