You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
