I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
