i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
His nipple licking is glorious
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