yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
