Yo dont text me then not text me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
