just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
