Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
