im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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