guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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