Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
