I wish my penis had an off switch
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We need a shit load of segways right now
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
