flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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