And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
