does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
