She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize