i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
