Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
