hotel room ftw
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
