I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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