I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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