is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
