Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
