I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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