my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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