Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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