I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
