The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
