I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
