Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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