Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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