i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
