just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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