I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
